Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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