woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
