I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
