My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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