I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
