Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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