I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
