we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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