NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
