If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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