Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
