I think I won the penis lottery.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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