I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
