What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize