did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
