How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
