Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i will never coherently bang her
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
