dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
