I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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