I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
