i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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