Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
