I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
