my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
