I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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