No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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