if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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