i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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