I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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