It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
