The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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