so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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