think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
