filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
