There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
