Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
