I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
