You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
