if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
