you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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