you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
