I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
