i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He better not be in your backpack
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
