the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
