mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
