so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
