:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
