Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
