At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I looked at my own cervix.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
