It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
