walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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