apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
