I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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