He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
