dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
