my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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