Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There r osticjed everywhere
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
