i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
