If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
